The Kicking.

     I haven't set an alarm in four years. A few people have contacted me lately asking why this blog has gone silent. To clarify: I haven't had to set an alarm in four years because my children wake me up. That's right, plural. We've had another one. Which means we either really liked the first one or didn't learn our lesson. I'm not always sure which one it is. Our second girl is about 19 months now and things are starting to calm down. A little. Which is why there is now time to write this post. On the other hand, maybe I have habituated to the level of insane living accompanied by having more than one child.

     It's probably the last one.

     Let it be known now and forever that I am not the world's greatest dad. I'm a good dad. Not the greatest. Little stuff annoys me way too much for me to be the greatest. Things that shouldn't get under my skin, get so under my skin it touches bone. And there is no reason for it! It annoys me when I go pee and am immediately thirsty. It's as if the issue of "full bladder" has just been dealt with, do we really need to begin the cycle all over again so soon? I have things to do today.

     It also annoys me that, apparently, we have to sleep with the door open. This would make more sense if you knew that our youngest slept on a different level of the house. However, we bought a baby monitor so it sounds like she's right in the room with us. Just...right there! It's a VTech Cordless thingy and, you know what? Works great. Has multiple notification settings (vibrate, lights, sound, small bombs) and have never had an issue with connectivity. Which begs the question: Why do we have to sleep with the door open? You don't need it open to hear the baby crying, which she still does, in the middle of the night, even though she's 19 months old. This also annoys me even when I'm asleep.

     I have always been a heavy sleeper. When I was a child, fire alarms would go off in our house and I wouldn't stir. Not only does this speak to my ability to sleep through anything, but also my mother's cooking abilities (sorry Mom!). When our youngest starts crying, I don't wake up, but my wife ALLEGES I most certainly "stir". To believe her, I more than "stir", I kick her until she gets out of bed and gets the baby.

     Is it possible I am so sensitive to annoyances that, even in my sleep, when my body should be paralyzed and I'm imagining a planet made entirely out of trampolines, there's a part of my brain that says, "Hey! Knock it off!" and then starts kicking? There's no way! Even if there is, can I really be held accountable? I submit that no. No I cannot.

     To her credit, my wife is an absolute trooper about it and hasn't complained until lately. And this has been going on for 19 months, give or take. *ProTip*, if you do realize your spouse is missing from the bed, you hear crying, walk downstairs, ask if there's anything you can do to help, and your spouse says in a very steady and calm voice, "stop kicking me and go back upstairs"; just go ahead and go back upstairs. Nothing good can come from the rest of that conversation. I promise.

The Stank.

Still haven't found what I'm looking for

     We all do stupid things. The trick is in trying not to repeat stupid mistakes. See, the one common denominator between all people is that we all do stupid things. The fine line that separates "normies" from "dummies" is how often stupid things are repeated. The good news, for anyone on the line between dummy and normy, is there can be extenuating circumstances. For instance, I'm use to taking showers in the morning. That's just when showers are taken. Lately, I'm finding a once normal behavior (showering in the morning) to be a stupid behavior. I take a shower in the morning and the next thing I know I've got some combination of spit-up, throw up (yes there is a difference between spit-up and throw up), poop, urine, bag balm, and "other". Why would I shower for that? It's like getting cleaned up to go mud wrestling. Regardless, I continue to shower in the morning, even though I know I'm going to be covered in a thin film of gross baby byproduct within a matter of minutes. On the other hand, if I shower at night, that just means I'm clean the few hours I sleep, then wake up and get dirty again. Maybe I should skip out on showering all together. Nah, that'd be stupid.

     Another stupid thing I do, and I just can't seem to shake, is something I like to call "Hideapoophobia" (pronounced hide-a-poo-fobia). There are times when I'm cleaning up after what can only be described as a poo version of Chernobyl that I get this sinking suspicion there is poo on me somewhere. Usually I have a feeling it's somewhere on my arm, like that spot around your elbow you can't actually see. I try to wipe myself off with one of those baby wipes, just to see if there's something there, but I haven't found anything, not even once. Yet I can't seem to get over my hideapoophobia. This would make me stupid. I guess children really can give you "the brain damage". I'm sure this is just the beginning of what will be a long list of stupid things I'll do as a parent. Just hope they're not too severe.

The Skootface.

IT'S SKOOTFACE!!!!

     I've seen it a hundred times! Little Billy or Suzy is learning to crawl and those giant thighs are much stronger than their underdeveloped T-Rex arms. Frustration ensues. As a parent, we all want to give our children that extra little boost, leg up, or (if you've had a baby T-Rex) arm extensions. I present to you SkootFace. No longer will your child's forehead be red and raw from scooting their heads across the carpet as their arms drift helplessly along the ground. No more will your child's toy continue to be out of reach! Think of never again having to lie to your friends how advanced your child's development is! With the SkootFace your child will be crawling as early as four months old. For only 19.99 you can start your child on an adventure of your house! Think: Miner's helmet with a wheel instead of a light.
     And the best part is, if you don't want them getting around, just take it off! They'll be like fish out of water. If your child is beginning to pick up speed, we have an optional head-bumper for only 5 dollars more! Five Dollars! Think of it! You can protect the Jell-O like consistency of your child's brain for only five dollars, now what parents wouldn't do that for their baby? Admittedly, your child's brain is losing neurons faster than than they can make them because of apoptosis, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't protect the ones that survive! So, go ahead and click on that "Donation" button at the top! I hope you don't expect to get anything, because this doesn't even exist, but still, it'll be fun! And you don't even have to sign up for an account, just give them all your credit card info. It's safer than it sounds... I hope you've been enjoying the blog. But seriously, SkootFace doesn't exist, and if you thought it did and still wanted to buy it for your child, seek help. Keep it funny!

The Cruelty.

Num num num num num....

     Evy is finally getting out of her colic, rolling over, laughing, giggling, all the things a beautiful baby girl should do. It's wonderful. She's happy and agreeable and that makes my job a heck of a lot easier and more fulfilling. The last few weeks have been just like that, and the memory of her colic is being covered up, bit-by-bit, by new memories of enjoyment and smiles. But then the cruelty of life starts to kick in.
     I'm a fan of cruel humor. If you think you're not, you're wrong. Every person I know laughs at the crotch kicks in America's Funniest Home Video's. You do too, don't deny it. It's funny to see someone else get hurt, mainly because it's not us. I think George Gobel said, "it's funny to see a old woman in a wheelchair, rolling down hill, out of control. But it's only funny in America if there's a brick wall at the bottom of the hill." In that same vain of humor, God thought it would just be hilarious if, just a few short weeks after her colic went away, Evy would start teething. Admittedly, she doesn't cry nearly as much, but still, I thought we had done our time in the crying ward. Guess not.
     So, any teething advice? We've tried the frozen things, and they're okay, but they don't stay frozen forever and Evy drools so much they actually thaw out pretty quick. I'm all for the Orajel/Anbesol route, but I'd like to use as few chemicals as possible. I know they make baby versions, but still, I feel weird doing it. Some of my friends have used "homeopathic" teething pills, but I also want something that works. Now, I'm not saying all homeopathic remedies are a crock, but at three o'clock in the morning, I want instant sleep; ergo, I want instant fix. That's probably my problem for being so impatient, but still, is it so wrong to want to sleep? Is it?!?! I don't think so. I'm open to suggestions. What have you tried that worked? What have you tried that failed worse than the Pinto making a comeback?

The Eating.

Before Magneto had a budget...

     Evaline had her first meal today. She hated it. And, I gotta say, she did pretty awful. But it was funny, so that made up for her complete failure as an eater. It's okay though, we still love her. Also, I think I've figured out why her head, like all babies heads, are so big: counterweight. Seriously. She's starting to figure out how to roll over, from stomach to back and the other way! Oh it's true, she's a a full on expert at rolling over. Just as long as she can keep pivoting on that giant head of hers. But she seems to like it, so I'll let it go.
     But back to something that might be remotely useful to the rest of the world. Turns out, it's a good idea to baby-proof your house a little earlier than necessary. Evy succeeded in peeing across her changing table, over to the wall, and right on the electric socket. There's no charred baby, which means it could've gone worse,but still, those little wall socket cover things might not be a bad idea. Catie and I weren't expecting her to do that...she's a girl! Apparently, that doesn't matter and Evy successfully peed straight through the glass ceiling. Well, here's a short video of Evy trying rice cereal. It's supposed to help her sleep longer, but I think there's a prerequisite for it to work: she needs to actually get some of it in her stomach... Oh well, maybe next time.

The Activities.

Ahhh...pink crinkle paper, my favorite. 

     It's kind of difficult to know what to do with a four month old. I mean, I know what to do with her, like feed her, change her, hold her, etc., but right now, her absolute favorite thing in the world is a piece of cloth with cellophane in it. That's right, crinkle paper. It blows her mind. Some of my friends take their six month old to the zoo, the wild animal park, they might even take him to Kidchella at the New Children's Museum. It's pretty cool and all, but my daughter has an attention span of about twenty seconds. After that, all things stimulating just get filed away in the "OH MY GOSH I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE!" category. Evy would probably be as equally interested in my foot as she would be in feeding a giraffe.
     On top of all that, I have a feeling the frustration factor would be pretty high at anyone of these places. I'm kinda (read very) cheap, so when I spend a bunch of money on something, the we're-gonna-have-a-good-time-or-else expectation goes up in proportion to how much money has been spent. But Evy's a baby. She doesn't care or even know about my expectations. She's probably gonna miss a nap, which will make her fussy, which would normally be fine with me, but now it's "costing" me money because we paid for fun but not getting any. We'll be the family walking by and some wiseacre will throw out that "ooo, there goes a happy camper!" comment, I'll get in a fight, and then we'll be kicked out of the park/movie theater/zoo/church. Which is no good, because (with the exception of the church) we paid good money to spend the most time possible having as much fun as possible. All this to say, when I see an ad about Kidchella, or my friends are taking their kid to the zoo, I think of that crinkle paper, and smile. Evy has no idea what she's missing, but she loves that crinkle paper.

The Attention.

     Things are starting to pile up. I haven't written a post, shopped for food, done dishes, or bathed in several days. Baby girl isn't even here yet. What's going to happen when she does come? I'll be running on less sleep than ever before, with more things to do, and less time to do them in. Right now I'm trying to find a job that will allow me to work from home, but that's not shaping up too nicely. Data entry jobs are few and far between, medical transcription gigs take 6 to 12 months to train for if I go to a reputable place, and by then I probably won't even need to work at home.
     EDIT: I realized I never finished or even published this post. I came across it when I was getting ready to write a new post, and it sparked something in me. I was right. Never before have I wanted so much to not be right. I am still tired, running behind, and completely overwhelmed. If it wasn't for Catie supporting me (monetarily and emotionally, and spiritually for that matter), I'm not sure how I could do this. I have more respect for single parents than ever before. The thing is, this has me thinking about a second child. The dog is already running on about a quarter of attention he usually gets. However, if we had a second kid the dog would just about fall off the radar entirely and attention spent on Evy would necessarily be divided. Regardless, people have done this for thousands and thousands of years. So, why do I feel like I'm the first person in the world to have kids? On the other hand, I am the first person in the world to have this kid.