The Marks.

     Earth Mama Angel Baby Stretch Oil.     I'm not kidding. There is a product designed for stretch marks and it is called Earth Mama Angel Baby Stretch Oil. Just knowing there is a product called Earth Mama Angel Baby Stretch Oil tells me stretch marks are going to be a potential...occurrence. Not necessarily a problem, but an occurrence. Catie has informed me that she, apparently, is getting stretch marks. The kid isn't even here yet and she's mad at it. Yet, if she rubs some voodoo cream on these stretch marks she can prevent her body turning into a detailed road map of the Aegean/Izmir region (pictured above).
     This is not necessarily a bad thing. This is an opportunity for me to slather some kind of oil all over my wife and make her feel better about herself and the pregnancy at the same time. Sounds pretty good to me. But, it does raise the fairly touchy subject of stretch marks. Peter Griffin made me laugh out loud when he told Bonnie that she must have been hot before her body went all fun-house mirror. The laughing happened before my brush with pregnancy. Now, I'm surprised Peter wasn't killed off in that episode, never to be heard from again.
     I asked my wife if there was a way for a man to broach the topic of stretch marks with a woman if she hadn't brought it up first. She didn't really answer, but the look she gave me pretty much clued me in. And no; there is no way for a man to broach the topic of stretch marks with a woman if she hasn't brought it up first. There just isn't. Even if you tried to go out and buy a bottle of Mercury Daddy Hades Child Stretcher Oil and left it on her nightstand, you'd just come home to a crying mess of a woman, in a curled fetal position, rocking in the throws of some hormonal attack, wondering if she'll ever be sexy again.
     It's just not worth it.