The Kicking.

     I haven't set an alarm in four years. A few people have contacted me lately asking why this blog has gone silent. To clarify: I haven't had to set an alarm in four years because my children wake me up. That's right, plural. We've had another one. Which means we either really liked the first one or didn't learn our lesson. I'm not always sure which one it is. Our second girl is about 19 months now and things are starting to calm down. A little. Which is why there is now time to write this post. On the other hand, maybe I have habituated to the level of insane living accompanied by having more than one child.

     It's probably the last one.

     Let it be known now and forever that I am not the world's greatest dad. I'm a good dad. Not the greatest. Little stuff annoys me way too much for me to be the greatest. Things that shouldn't get under my skin, get so under my skin it touches bone. And there is no reason for it! It annoys me when I go pee and am immediately thirsty. It's as if the issue of "full bladder" has just been dealt with, do we really need to begin the cycle all over again so soon? I have things to do today.

     It also annoys me that, apparently, we have to sleep with the door open. This would make more sense if you knew that our youngest slept on a different level of the house. However, we bought a baby monitor so it sounds like she's right in the room with us. Just...right there! It's a VTech Cordless thingy and, you know what? Works great. Has multiple notification settings (vibrate, lights, sound, small bombs) and have never had an issue with connectivity. Which begs the question: Why do we have to sleep with the door open? You don't need it open to hear the baby crying, which she still does, in the middle of the night, even though she's 19 months old. This also annoys me even when I'm asleep.

     I have always been a heavy sleeper. When I was a child, fire alarms would go off in our house and I wouldn't stir. Not only does this speak to my ability to sleep through anything, but also my mother's cooking abilities (sorry Mom!). When our youngest starts crying, I don't wake up, but my wife ALLEGES I most certainly "stir". To believe her, I more than "stir", I kick her until she gets out of bed and gets the baby.

     Is it possible I am so sensitive to annoyances that, even in my sleep, when my body should be paralyzed and I'm imagining a planet made entirely out of trampolines, there's a part of my brain that says, "Hey! Knock it off!" and then starts kicking? There's no way! Even if there is, can I really be held accountable? I submit that no. No I cannot.

     To her credit, my wife is an absolute trooper about it and hasn't complained until lately. And this has been going on for 19 months, give or take. *ProTip*, if you do realize your spouse is missing from the bed, you hear crying, walk downstairs, ask if there's anything you can do to help, and your spouse says in a very steady and calm voice, "stop kicking me and go back upstairs"; just go ahead and go back upstairs. Nothing good can come from the rest of that conversation. I promise.