The Critic.

     My father once said I should never tell an artist their work was either good or bad. To do so was to imply I knew more about art than they did and was qualified to pass judgment on its quality by comparison to some ideal. What I could say, however, was how their work made me feel, what it made me think, what it inspired me to do. I could ask questions about how it made them feel, what it made them think of, and what inspired them to do it. Declaring critical judgment probably says more about the person judging than what is being judged. Yet, to talk about the personal impact art may have had on you can mean so much more.
     There is a similar practice in therapy. It's not my job, or even a good idea, to critique a client or offer them advice. Ultimately, they know their situation better than I ever will. If they take my advice and it all works out wonderfully, they have no ownership of that success and it can create a dependency on others. If my advice is terrible, I'm at fault and the world's worst therapist. However, if I don't give advice and instead help them figure out what it is they really want, then they get to own their success. I'm also always surprised by the options they come up with! They think of solutions and outcomes that wouldn't have darkened the doorstep of my brain.
     So it occurs to me: I should probably do the same thing with my kids. While I'm not expecting them to solve world hunger or anything, and I'll help when they ask for it. But if I solve their problems before they have a chance, what's going to happen when I'm not around? Ultimately, this gets back to the issue of being a critic. There are rights and wrongs in the world, and, at least for the first couple of years, I'm going to know more about that than my kid. But after that, there's not much more to "teach". The rest is just processing the learning that happens through experience. And maybe if I ease up on the critiquing, I'll notice less and less the good or bad in my child, and see more and more they are a reflection of something in me.