The Crunch.

     Well, Catie and I are coming down to the wire now. We have to be out of the place we're in now by the 15th, and hopefully we'll have a place to put our child before she comes. The funny thing is that we've working around this date of the 15th, but this kid is going to come when she wants to come. She doesn't know or care about where we're going to live, when we're going to go there, or what we're going to do with all the people that are coming in to see her. So, sorry I haven't been posting, but I promise I will give you a lot more after the 15th. Also, I'm going to be making a little video where I've interviewed a bunch of fathers. I'll cut it together when I have time, but I won't have time until after the 15th.

The Cold.

     I would say that when I'm sick I turn into a little girl, but that would be an insult to little girls. I'm a total wuss. Now, my pregnant wife is packing stuff, taking care of me, and walking the dog. How is it that women are so stinking tough?
     I've noticed that my wife sees me at my most disgusting, smelly, grossness. All so I can make sure I look good for people that I don't love near as much as her! She's had to request I no longer breath on her before we meet people to see how bad my breathe is. Instead, I just carry gum around with me. And I won't hesitate to flip my head back and have her check to see if there are any bears in the cave. That's the thing though, isn't it? We love each other in spite of all the grossness. It's GREAT! On the other hand, I need to make sure my wife sees me at my best...at least some of the time. She shouldn't have to sort through all my sickness to see a few good things. But if we can't be disgusting in front of the people we love, who can we be gross in front of?

The Haggle.

     Readers Digest has a nice little article about haggling over the price of a car. It actually got me thinking, when did everything become an option? When my mother use to ask if I'd do the dishes, she wasn't really asking! It was never a choice, she was just trying to be polite. Now, children everywhere have turned into little Monty Hall's with bad attitudes and no goats. And this isn't happening just in the juvenile hall where I teach, no, it's everywhere! Everything is about negotiating. Bedtime, bath time, tv time, are we going to have ice cream, can we buy a Porsche (that last one is actually one of mine...). A simple "No" doesn't cut it anymore. When did this happen? Who started it? I guess I don't mind negotiating some times, but it gets pretty tired, pretty quick. Of course, I could always buy one of those, "Win Every Argument, Every Time" books. Where they tell you to start with über higher expectations before the argument, then it doesn't matter as much when they whittle you down. So I should expect my daughter to be the first woman president, then when she becomes a CEO, I can act proud with a little bit of disappointment...right?

The THX.

     So, just ran across this and I think it's a brilliant idea. If your local movie theater doesn't have a "Crybaby Matinee" thing, it totally should. It's a great move and you should call your local theater if they don't do it.

The Schedule.

     Alright, I think I'm gonna try to go toward quality a little more than quantity. Putting something out every single day is getting taxing, especially now that school is starting. Plus, I'm gonna expand the content of this site a little bit more, not only about parenting, and relationships, but also guy stuff in general. Also, there's some psychology tools I'm going to design that I'll put online. That's not for the general world, but I need someplace to put it! So, let me know what you think, men.
     Free tip: Tell your lady five things you love about her some time today. You'll thank me later.

The End.

     You know what's unfortunate? According to the Mayans, the world is supposed to end in 2012. My daughter is going to be about three years old. That just doesn't seem fair. I mean, here she is, just getting started, really getting the whole walking thing down smoothly, and BAM, end of world. Three years old! "Hey, you going to be starting preschool this year?"
"Nope, planet is going to implode."
"Oh yeah, I forgot all about that! I was going to put it in my calendar but that year didn't seem to be there...kinda like the thirteenth floor of a lot of office buildings."
"Well, if the planet doesn't blow up, we're in trouble because I haven't even started the enrollment process..."
"I hear ya! Those things are murder. Tell you the truth, I'd rather experience apocalypse than have to sit in those asinine registration lines and plead my case for a kid that can't even read A Tale of Two Cities yet..."
"Right, right..."
     Like I was saying, end of days sounds like it's going to be harsh. I mean, as long as books and movies are any indication of what to expect, I should be okay. Usually the mother ends up dying, I live on with my daughter, and we find some ruggedly beautiful woman to start over with...even though she can never really replace my "other" wife. Regardless, I guess I'm going to have to raise my kid as if the end of the world isn't right around the corner. Who knows, maybe she'll be the key to resetting the whole thing. Like, she'll accidentally turn the the calendar upside down and now we've got until 2102. Hey, it could happen...

The News.

     Have you guys watched Fox News lately? As near as I can figure, they're only producing fodder for the Daily Show. Seriously. What is with these people? Every once in awhile CNN will hit it wrong and completely contradict themselves withing twenty-four hours, but Fox, what are you doing? Now that I think about it, if Fox News had been around when I was a kid, I would've been able to watch more cartoons.
     I remember my dad walking into the room on Saturday mornings, grabbing the remote, and flipping to news. He would tell me that important things are happening in the world and I would never know what they were if I sat around watching cartoons. Don't think my dad was all mean though; I was 17 the last time he did that...so it wasn't like he was picking on a little kid. Still, had we gotten Fox News back then it probably wouldn't have happened at all. He would have walked in, sat down, and asked me to turn up the cartoons because Japanimation is the best thing happening. I would rather sit around all day trying to find out if there was ever a time when the old guy dressed up a ghost actually did get away with it, in spite of those "darn kids" than watch twelve seconds of Glenn Beck blubber on while his chins wag in silent discontent. It's just asinine gibberish and I can't believe they have a following.
     And yes, I realize this isn't about my daughter, but not everything's about her...is it?

The Flowers.

     I figure, since the baby is going to suck down our income like a roided up AIG going after your mother's retirement funds, now's the time to spend, right? So, go out and buy your pregnant wife some flowers. Partially because she's wonderful, partially because it may temporarily assuage the ever raging tide of hormones, and it may also get you points that can be redeemed in the evening hours... Seriously though, buy some flowers for your baby momma. If you think you can't afford it now, just wait. Gentlemen, start your wallets.

• 1-800 Flowers
  
• FTD (by the way, does anyone know what FTD actually stands for? I don't)
  
• Pro Flowers
  

The Present.

     Did anyone else know that kids, while they're going through the potty training phase of life, will often hide poop in places like they were little encopretic Easter Bunnies? Just a heads up. So, there's always that to look forward to.

The Words.

     Some words are pretty easy to understand. Once you hear them, even if you've never heard them before, they just make sense. Like titillate. That word makes total sense: "later" you're going to see or get something great. But then there are other words that you're almost guaranteed to mess up because someone didn't know what they were doing when they suggested it to Webster. Penultimate is one of those words that means exactly the opposite of what I thought it meant the first time I heard it. The word ultimate is right there! It should mean better than the best, but it doesn't. It means second to last. Why is there even a word for "second to last"? Isn't that just another in the large group of losers-that-won't-be-getting-recognition-but-we-all-act-like-we're-proud-of-them category? I think so! Regardless, since Catie's pregnancy started I've been flooded with a bunch of words that, while I'm sure it wasn't intentional, have been sorta misleading.
     Great example: "Rh Factor". It sounds like a cool racing team, or even a big hair band. "WE ARE THE RH FACTOR, AND WE HAVE COME TO ROCK!!!" See, that totally works! But, it turns out that because my blood is positive and Catie's is negative, her body may try to eat the baby. That is not a cool racing team OR a big hair band. That is jacked up is what that is! Another one is c-section. Now, we all know what that is, but it still sounds like a nice place to set up on the beach! Or maybe the good area at a football game, "Hey Jack, where you sitting?"
   "I'm in the c-section, baby!"
   "Aw man! Jack gets all the good seats!"
     This is what I'm talking about. The confusion brought about by baby/pregnancy/neonatal/delivery jargon. On the other hand, if they used words that more accurately portrayed what was going on, I'm not sure if I'd be able to handle that any better. Instead of c-section, they'd take my wife in for a cut-n-gut. Instead of Rh factor, it'd be baby-eating factor. You know, now that I think about it, jargon is good. It's our friend. When I'm in the delivery room and the nurses and doctors are saying random stuff I can't translate, I'm gonna be okay with that. Since I'm going to be a dad real soon, I guess the confusion can start now.

P.S. Turns out Rh factor actually is a band, only they're jazz, not big hair. Actually, Roy Hargrove (Rh) kinda reminds me of Old Clifford from the muppets. See for yourself:

The Timing.

     Finding time to fulfill all my husbandly duties is difficult. I work (sometimes) and go to school, and Catie works, coaches cross-country, and goes to school, and she's pregnant. Waiting for "the mood" to arise of its own volition. It's almost like the planets have to align before everything would sync up naturally. We can't just wait for it, so we have to create it. The timing isn't as important for us as the willingness. Because sex is such an important part of relationships it is something we should make time for, and I'm glad we do. It still seems a little strange to "pencil it in" my phone, but ya gotta do what ya gotta do. Strangely, this has nothing to do with her being pregnant, other than it makes her a little more tired than normal.

The Hair.

     I'm sitting in the car, and every time I breath out something in my nose is tickling me. I figure, booger. I grab a tissue, get to work, and nothing. So I pull down the vanity mirror and attempt to get a look at where the offending invader is hanging out. So I tilt my noggin back, look up the ol' two-car garage, and I see this albino looking hair lodged sideways. As I am not an albino, I assume it's a hair from my dog. He's brindle colored and has this really bad habit of sitting on my pillow, so I figure I breathed it in in the night and it's just now bothering me. While trying to grab it, it turns into quicksilver: the harder I grab it, the more it slips through my fingers. I have to wait until I get home and then I get tweezers and go all "Operation: The Game" on it. When I finally get it and pull something totally unexpected happens: I start crying! It was attached!
     Listen, there's nothing wrong with growing old. As a matter of fact, I'm looking forward to it. But no one told me anything about white nose hairs. I don't remember that in any contract. But it's not really the white nose hair that bothers me. It's the timing of the white nose hair. I'm not even thirty (yet) and I'm having a kid. While 30 is supposed to be the new 20, it sure feels like thirty. I've never been this heavy, tired, or white-nose-haired in my life. And I'm supposed to keep up with a teenager when I'm 45? Why don't I just get in the "Check in here to have a stroke" line now? Am I too old to be doing this? It's not like I have much of a choice, but I don't want to be the weird old dude that everyone's trying to figure out if I'm the parent or the grandparent during open house.

The Showing.

     Woody Allen said that 80% of success is showing up. There's more to showing up than just being around. There's a physical, mental, and spiritual aspect to showing up, and all three are important. For me, sometimes getting out of bed is the hard part. With Catie being 6 months pregnant, she still pulls more of the load around here than I do. I straight up pulled a Dagwood today. I literally laid on the couch while Catie made dinner. And I don't know if you've ever seen a woman who's six months pregnant try to pick something up, but it's pretty difficult/funny.
     Guys have an obligation to show up physically because, women's lib. movement or not, there are some things that guys are physically better at than women...usually. I'm a lot better at wrestling with my nephews than my wife is. It's because I'm a guy. I'm all for egalitarianism, but there are some predispositions towards one area or another that, either culturally or genetically, men and women tend to lean toward. Another aspect of physical support is sexual (I'll get into that later...was that tongue in cheek?) and monetarily. Now please don't think I'm suggesting men can or should earn more than women. I'm not. What I am suggesting is that two incomes can often be better than one, and that parents supporting each other can make parenting a little bit easier. Not much, but a little.
     The other aspect is mental. I'm not sure when it happened in the course of our marriage, but I started becoming slightly deaf, strictly to the sound of Catie's voice. She'll be looking right at me, I can see her lips moving and I know she's talking to me, but when she's done with the sentence, I got nothing. "What?" has become my motto. It's not that I don't care and (I hope) it isn't that I'm not listening, but there are times (college football season) when it's harder for me to hear what she's saying. For me, that's part of being mentally engaged. When I'm not tuned into her, I miss out on a lot more than I normally would (miss).
     Last, but not least, is being spiritually present. Now I'm not saying I'm the Pope, but there should be an aspect of spirituality in men's lives that seeps into the lives of their families. While I'm Christian, my beliefs don't require everyone else to be that way. But, I have noticed a trend that families who bond via spiritual guidelines tend to last longer and have more fulfilling lives. Other people who are smarter and better versed than I have written more about this than me... so I'll let them handle it.
     This is what it means to show up. Showing up for me has meant changing my priorities and realizing that my actions no longer effect just me. That my (my = her) money is our money, my time is our time. But you know? it's totally worth it. I wouldn't want to be anywhere else but with my family.

The Disney.

     This picture is not all it's cracked up to be. Turns out the family to the left had a wonderful time for a straight 12 hours in the land of Disney. While that may be, the picture to the left probably describes the majority of experiences at Disney. It's not that Disney is the home of all things evil, which it may very well be, it's just that parents go in with expectation higher than the sky and it rarely works out that way. If kids teach us anything, it's flexibility. If Disneyland teaches us anything, it's that people will actually pay 100 dollars for a stuffed animal.

The Security.

     It's a form of light torture when the Tiger Direct catalog comes to my house. The deals they offer are great and I have ordered several things from them and been very happy. But with the economy still down turned and a baby on the way, I have very little money to splurge on electronics. The other thing is that some of the products they offer seem somewhat ridiculous to me. I use to think the security cameras they offered were pretty strange. But now that I'm having a daughter, a nine camera security system with night vision and networking capabilities seems like a reasonable purchase.

The Naming.

     There's an earlier post about the importance of a name. Names mean things, they're important. Now we know we're having a girl, the responsibility of naming just became more real because we don't have to choose between Jack or Jill, we have to decide between Jill and Janet. You'd think that having a book with 60,000 baby names would provide enough ideas. Apparently not.
     Baby center has some interesting concepts, but I'm not sure if 80's movies or comic book characters are good sources for my daughter's name. "Hey Honey, guess what, I named you after the Celtic Goddess of Motherhood...because I just didn't care enough to put the proper amount of energy into finding an appropriate name we thought would fit you." That should go over real well. The other option is figuring out how "normal" you may want your kids name. BabyNamesWorld.com has a nice page where names are ranked, making it easy to increase the chances that when you shout "JACOB, PUT THAT DOWN!!!" dozens of children will drop whatever they have in their hands at that time: with Jacob being numero uno in popularity. In fact, I'm considering taking a poll to see what everyone else thinks I should name my daughter. Any suggestions?

The Hungry.

     I have learned this the hard way. Just because your wife/partner/baby's momma makes the statement that she's "Hungry hungry" in no way makes it permissible to follow it up with the word "Hippo". No matter how funny it might be.

The Lullaby.

     EMI asked me to review their site on my blog. To be totally honest, I have no idea how well it fits with Fatherade, but I'll give it a shot. As near as I can figure, it's like Pandora, but with video. MTV on demand. Youtube with higher quality.
     One of the setbacks this company will experience is due to their lack of a cellphone app. The fact that they incorporate video into most of their songs it will be a little too heavy on the bandwidth for mobile phones to handle the stream. Another downfall is they only host artists that signed with EMI.
     This can be a good thing as well because unlike Pandora, you can request specific songs or artists. EMI has some good artists, and what they lack in diversity, they make up for in quantity. They have been around since the dawn of recording (just about) and have been instrumental in many past technological advances in sound recording, but to quote Janet Jackson, what have they done for me lately?
     On the other hand, I'm a pretty big Radiohead fan, and since they've put out 14 of their albums, 23 of their singles, and have 21 videos for a total of 363 tracks, I'll go to this site when I need a specific fix. If EMI has the artist you like, it's a great site for you, if you can handle the bandwidth. Otherwise, stick to a low streaming non-visual site like Pandora. If EMI comes out with a version that will play on the Wii, it would really fill a niche. While Finetune has a streaming Wii player, it's kind of a pain to navigate and getting the songs and style of music that you like is next to impossible.
     There is one "fatherly" use for this site: putting baby to sleep using music. Because it allows more control over what plays, there's no chance your "lullaby" playlist will suddenly burst into Insane Clowne Posse, effectively setting nap-time back a day...or two. Here's a link you can use for some quiet time songs. Who knows, maybe it will cure the colicky baby...